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Marathon runners cover over 26 miles in two hours, train for years and when they finish cannot breath and are bent double with pain. I, on the other hand, can spend the 2 hours in the pub drinking and smoking, yet wal...
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My wife's been telling me to watch my drinking... so now I only go to bars with mirrors.
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Stop interrupting me while I'm ignoring you.
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If you put a frog into a pan tepid water and slowly heat it up, the frog will boil to death. But if you put a frog into already boiling water it will jump out. Moral of the story? Put a lid on the pan.
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Replace your front door with a backless wardrobe filled with large coats this winter to recreate the magic of Narnia every time you leave your house.
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Try not to drink coffee in the morning. It will keep you awake all day.
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Dont do anything you are not prepared to explain to a paramedic.
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Never wear skinny jeans if you don't have skinny genes.
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I caught my 14 year old son in bed with a girl the other night. I sat him down and asked him why he did it, he said, "I heard you lost it when you were 14 so i thought I'd give it a go." I replied, "You should learn ...
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I need help committing suicide. Does anyone have some experience?
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A good rule of thumb is if you've made it to thirty-five and your job still requires you to wear a name tag, you've made a serious vocational error.
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Handy tip: Do not take off your camouflage jacket in the woods.