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A contact lens, painted black, makes an ideal skullcap for a Jewish hamster.
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Top tip: When at the airport, if you get asked "Anything to declare?", it's not the best response to say "A Thumb War". Still though, their prison isn't too bad.
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Give a man a fish and you've fed him for a day. But teach a man to wear a fishnet stocking for a mask and hold up a bank and you've taken care of him for life, one way or another.
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Roadside accidents; a great place to pick up that last-minute anniversary gift.
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I've learnt the awkward way, if your girlfriend's mother asks "Would you do me a favour?" - ALWAYS wait until she has said "a favour" before eagerly nodding and saying yes.
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If at first you do succeed, try not to look too surprised.
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Scousers, Get your day off to a cracking start by adding a couple of shots of activia to your vodka
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BODY BUILDERS: Save time and money blending up all your meals by placing the food directly in your mouth and moving your lower jaw up and down until the food is mashed up enough for swallowing.
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I find that lying is like farting in the bath, you think it's funny at first, but it always bubbling to the surface eventually.
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*Sound advice* "Never ask a woman if she's pregnant until you can see the head".
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Just think - the old homeless guy who sits outside my local station doesn't know what it's like to have a full tummy on Christmas Day. But he will do this Friday, thanks to me - I'm gonna go down there and tell him.
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I just saw the advert for Compare The Meerkat com saying that they are updating their server to cope with more people online. Sickipedia! Take Note!! Simples.......